I know so many people recently who have lost loved ones.  Colleagues are dealing with the frailty of their aging parents while some of my students have lost their grandparents.  Other friends are battling aggressive diseases.  I feel a sense of empathy for them but then I have also been thinking about how often we fight death.  It’s something we are running from or trying to protect others from.  I am not saying I want my life to end right now or anything like that, but I do feel that sometimes we are scared of facing it…even though it a path we all have to take. 

I thought about when I lost my friend in Indonesia.  I remember crying in bed the night that she died, feeling a deep loss.  Then God gave me a vision of her.  She had been paralyzed the entire time I had known her.  I never saw her with a whole body.  That night, as sadness pierced my heart, God brought joy and comfort as I saw her dancing and laughing with her husband (who had also recently passed).  It was such a sweet picture and I remember falling asleep, treasuring that morsel. 

I thought about that today in regards to my Dad.  We continue to lose him, day by day, to a horrible disease.  He is still here–and we get rare glimpse of who he used to be—but as he has changed so much over the past 10 years, there has been continual loss.  I am not saying I want to lose my father.  I’m going through “losing him” each and every day really…but, what struck me today was thinking of my Dad when I was a young girl.  My Dad back then was someone completely different.  He was confident, daring, funny, silly–and maybe even sometimes seemed a little arrogant? 🙂 I loved his personality back then. I find myself struck by the thought, that one day, after we have both passed from this life—I really believe that we’ll be together again and we’ll be completely whole…physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  And, I find myself really excited about that prospect. I have concentrated enough on the “why” and wishing this didn’t plague the people I know and care about. It is somewhat hard to wrap my mind around, but I feel real joy knowing that he will be restored and this suffering will not be the end for him.

Is it just me or is entertainment and media becoming even more vulgar, violent and offensive?  My husband likes to watch action movies and I haven’t minded them much.  Watching movie together has been something we find enjoyable.  We were trying to pick one to watch a couple of weeks ago.  We’ve been trying a free month of Netflix, and it was hard to decide what to watch.  Nothing looked that interesting.  We picked one about the Knights Templar and I watched about ten minutes.  Then I had to take off.  I went to read a book instead.  There was just too much gore for me.  I told my husband I didn’t have the stomach for it anymore.  I really don’t have any interest at all in watching violent movies.   I was not sure why I have felt such an aversion to them.  My husband suggested that maybe it is because I am a mother and have a greater sensitivity to disturbing images.  I’ve done some thinking about that suggestion. 

I think that a few things are happening.  First, I think that Hollywood is really upping the ante. They keep pushing their content farther over the edge.  I think that media has a great deal of responsibility in the violence we see in our culture today.  We have seen a lot and heard a lot.  In a way we can “shut it off” and as a result become desensitized to it.  It’s just become more “normal” and that is just not right.  It has definitely influenced people and how they react to situations around them. 

So, if that is the case, what is the cause for my own increased sensitivity?  My husband suggested motherhood but I think that is not true.  I believe that God has heightened my sensitivity to the things I hear and see and I am thankful for that.  I’ve been challenged by the verse, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8.   This reason came to me this week when I was in the van with the boys.  The news was over and we were popping through the radio stations.  Recently I have been settling most often on a Christian radio station.  I found that I didn’t have an interest in listening to the other stations.   I was wondering why that was, and I just felt like I wanted to fill myself with what will bring me closer to Him.  

Again, I’m really thankful for this increased sensitivity. I want that.  I hope that will be the case for others too as they think about what God wants them to fill their minds with.  I am sure I won’t always make the best choices, but I want to have the Holy Spirit pushing me along the way.     Now, if only He would guide my footsteps away from the chocolate icecream!! 

 

My boys have quirks.  I don’t understand their quirks.  I don’t know what made them have those strange little habits.  My second son doesn’t really like to be alone.  But, it is not every second of the day that he seems to be that way.  He doesn’t like to go downstairs by himself.  When we are all upstairs, he will wait until someone is ready to go down.  If it is time to go to bed, he doesn’t want to be in his room on his own.  He’ll come and say, “Isn’t the little one going to bed now?”  He doesn’t want to be in his room, going to sleep on his own.  I don’t quite get it.  I don’t know what has caused his particular quirk. 

Other strange things come my way too.  My youngest wouldn’t eat his sandwiches at lunch for awhile.  I asked him why.  He said the ketchup looked like blood.  So, I switched to mayo for him.  Sometimes he will eat it, sometimes he won’t.   My oldest doesn’t like the fact that his Science teacher had mushrooms and fungus in the classroom.  He thinks that the spores will infect him.   Quirks. 

I guess I probably have some too.  Now that I’ve typed that, I’m going to have to think about them a bit and try to identify them.  Probably those people who are around me most often could rattle them off without a thought.  I wonder…

We’ve been sick for two weeks now.  I feel this urge, this desire, to have my energy back.  I feel like I have been isolated, away from the world.  I’ve gone to work and struggled through, but I haven’t felt myself.  I have been weak, tired, and have felt horrible.  It’s been a long two weeks.  But, I feel small glimpses today that I might be back.  Soon I may be able to sleep better, eat right, exercise again…and do the work I need to do.  I can’t wait. 

There are some days when I feel old and then there are some days when it is really hard for me to realize that I am a “middle-aged” mother.  We have some new technological devices in our house, and even though we have a few new ones, there are many more new cutting edge things to have and use.  As I write this blog on a new laptop, I remember wistfully how I used to write my high school papers.  I remember using a massive word processor.  It was this huge rectangular box with a small screen.  You could type your text and then edit it before printing it.  We had a smaller one before that, where you could only see a line at a time.   I remember having a computer when I was in college, but we were not using the internet to find sources of information.  When I would type up Physiology lab papers, I would have stacks of books piled up near my monitor.  

Now, everything you could possibly every need is a click away.  You can search for information, type a paper, and print it remotely.  You can do all this while Skyping with someone half-way around the world.  It is truly amazing. 

I bet you did not know that I am a meteorologist.  Yes, I am a teacher by training and experience, but it seems that my head can predict the weather.  I get the nastiest headaches. I had the bare twinge of one while I was sleeping last night and then over the day, it has gotten more and more intense.  It feels like someone is stabbing me in the eyeball right now.  I am supposed to try to write a little bit each day, but today, you get nothing but a description of my horrid headache. Sorry.

It is hard to care for an aging spouse with a debilitating disease. I am sure it is also difficult to care for aging parents. It is hard to make decisions for them as they begin to get old and can no longer care for themselves. I was thinking about how hard it is to lose this ability to even make the smallest decisions. When I was at my Dad’s “home”, I saw that the menu is set and as I fed him during several meals I thought, “I would hate to eat this!” I realized that my Dad doesn’t get the choice anymore. He wouldn’t really be able to choose anyway, but some of the other residents would be able to if they were asked what they wanted to eat. They just have to eat what is on the menu, even if they can’t stand it–or, perhaps go hungry.

Now there is a much bigger decision facing our family. My father has to move, and it is hard to figure out what will be the best situation for him. Will it be okay to send him to a bigger nursing facility where he will probably be medicated more heavily? Is that healthiest choice for his family? Is that the best way for him to spend his last days? Are there better options which may in face require greater sacrifice for us? Are those options even possible? Dad can’t weigh in on these decisions. Dad will experience the stress of a change, but in the long run, it may not even make much of a difference to him one way or the other. Those impacted the most will be his wife and his family. We do not have much of Dad left, and we would be giving up more of him. Is that the best decision to make?

A big decision like this has to be laid at the feet of God, for there is no other way to make it. I know that my Lord knows what is absolutely best for my Dad, my Mom and for all of the rest of the family. I know that He can make the way clear and will help us through this.

I find it so humbling and exciting to be used for God’s purposes.  I find it so interesting how He directs us to reach out and contact someone out of the blue—and then uses us in their lives.  I contacted someone yesterday, after a hard and difficult day at the funeral, and just asked how she was doing.  She said she was feeling a lot of stress.  I felt like I should respond and do something to help.  In the past, God has spoken many details, and He didn’t really this time.  I was kind of on my own to figure it out.  The only thing I really felt truly directed about–strongly–was that I needed to do something right away.  I needed to respond last night.  

I loaded up the fellas in the car, stopped at the bank, and then headed over to find her home.  She was really surprised to see me at the door and seemed to be overcome by the fact that I was there and had something for her. 

When she texted me some more, I was really amazed by this: “You literally texted me just MOMENTS after I paid out my last little bit of money online to the electric company!  I had NO clue how the Lord was gonna work this out and there you were for me to vent to!  I NEVER anticipated your knock at my door!  I’m still just reeling!” 

I loved this so much, because this is just like God. I have been on the receiving end.  I remember last fall when Casey was out of work and I went to check the mail–and just cried as I opened an envelope which had a generous gift in it.  Totally unexpected and just at the perfect time.  I’ve had that happen so many times over the last few years and have honestly felt that God has spoken in those moments:  “I see you.”  I am SO thankful for the people who have answered the urging of the Spirit.  I want to always answer His urging. 

Today I went a funeral.  I did not know the deceased.  I went for my friend, who is in prison.  He used to go to church with us and was in youth group with my brother.  He is serving a twenty-five year sentence for armed robbery.  I don’t think I can really explain the in’s and out’s of his family, except the gentleman who was laid to rest today was his biological father who he has only recently restored his relationship with.  Apparently this man had four sons, all of who attended our church when I was in high school.  They came with a different “father”, the man who raised them (who has also died).   Two of these four sons are in prison.  One of the sons is having serious financial issues and has a really tough life right now.  The other son is in the military. 

The deceased gave his life to Christ in the last several years and began to try to patch things up with his sons.  My friend in prison felt encouraged by the visits he had with his biological father and was hoping he could get released early to spend some time with him before he died.  That didn’t happen.

I went to the funeral for my friend who could not attend.  I felt a little awkward.  No one knew me, except one of the other brothers.  I took a few pictures for my friend, but did that with some reticence—being uncertain of how that would be received.

I do have to say that as the funeral finished, I found myself in tears…especially when the two brothers “said goodbye” to their father.  My friend in prison won’t be able to do that because of the choices he made.  That made me really sad.  He has sacrificed a lot with his choices, and I truly believe he feels that now with the loss of his biological father and the previous loss of the man who raised him. 

I told the youngest brother that I was proud of him.  He is in the military and has seemed to have had greater success at this thing called life.  I gave his oldest brother big long hugs and told him I am praying for him.  Then I just cried on my way home (and gave my Mom a call so I could vent).  

I feel so sad for these young men.  They’ve had an absent father who just recently “came back”.  They’ve had to go it alone, and it hasn’t gone well for many of them. I feel angry at him because he didn’t step up when he needed to.  He didn’t give them the support they desperately needed.   I felt angry too when I heard an aunt speak.  I found out today that they have 7 aunts (and their families) and 2 uncles.  One aunt said, “We love you boys and we’re here for you.”   I wanted to stand up and yell, “Well, DO IT then!”  (That would have been so wrong!)  I can’t judge them, their circumstances, or their ability to support their family—but there is the kicker.  These young men are their FAMILY.   There was a lot of talk of the importance of family in this funeral, and it just crushed my heart.   I desperately want them to be there for their family.

This hits home for me because there is someone who is being family to these young men who was NEVER assigned that task.  I truly believe that God’s reward for this woman is going to be incredible.  I’ve seen her love and sacrifice for them in a way that NO ONE else has. I don’t know how she met their family long ago and got connected with bringing them to church, but she has stayed with them through thick and thin.  If I want to know how anyone in the family is doing or the latest information, she knows.  She has written letters, called judges, offered rides, sacrificed financially–and I am sure I don’t even know the half of it.   I give thanks to God for her ministry to this family and to these young men.  Their situation is not worse because of her.  

But, I want their family to step up–to step in—to let these young men know they are important, that they are loved, that they are cared for.  Every time I visit my friend in prison I am struck by how intelligent he is, how he has potential and how he has possibility.   I want his family to see that too. 

I wept today.  I wept for my friend, I wept for his brothers and I wept for his half-sisters.  I wept for all the young children, growing up without a dad or a mom or growing up with the influences of evil and destruction.  I weep and give thanks for those who are stepping up to make a difference.